I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
