can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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