suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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