I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
