just survived the first fart of the relationship.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
