I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize