So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
