I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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