I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
