I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
