ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
