Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
