you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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