how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
