I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
