my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
