i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
