i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
