I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize