fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
