my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
