Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
