half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
That accounts for only three of the penises
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
