I accidentally had phone sex last night
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
do herpes really smell.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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