Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize