I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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