1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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