Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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