Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
