I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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