I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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