You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize