You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
