Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
