im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
