You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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