Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
