Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The power of my boobs compel you
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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