dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
