I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
