haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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