He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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