I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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