oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
