My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
