I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
