im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
