So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
