your parents love me but you hate me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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