I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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