I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
