I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
