God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
