quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
