who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
