she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
