I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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