a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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