No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You ruined the universe
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
