Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
