The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
