According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
