I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
