1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
