He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Randomize
