So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
