i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
