The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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