You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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