I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
