I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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