I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Randomize
